tonight's mr. Show was filmed in a cabin in the woods .
it's our cabin. it's our property.
leave us alone.
( Audience applauding )
hey, everybody, it's bob and david !
Thank you very much. Welcome to mr. Show.
I am bob odenkirk.
And i'm david cross.
( Audience applauding )
And...Thank you...
We have an interesting Show for you tonight.
David, you're not backin' Down on me, are you ?
No way, bob.
Comtata mim miata. Comtata mim miata.
One country, One nation,
( Both ) One singular sensation.
That's right.
As of tonight, We are no longer party
To the de facto Corporate prostitute
Calling itself "The united states."
mr. Show is a Sovereign nation !
We are a sovereign Nation !
Yeah ! Ha, ha !
Ok.
All right.
This is gonna be A lot of fun, now.
The fbi has surrounded The building,
And, uh, we've got Some great scenes.
And we've got a stockpile Of food and bibles
That should last About 3 weeks.
That's if we go easy On the bibles.
I think you know What i mean.
Oh, another thing. Listen...
If you're gonna Go outside
And talk to the fbi Or the jew-run media...
( Audience laughing )
Do us all A big favor, ok ?
And wear a beard And a beer belly,
Just like david's Putting on here.
Ok, now we don't Have enough bellies For everyone,
So we're asking you guys To drink beer, ok ?
"D.I.Y.," "Do it yourself"-- That's our motto, you know.
Ok, i will be a Spokesman for the group,
And i promise i will Not be unruly
And i will not listen To reason, ok ? You know--
Jill ! Oh, my god ! What's happened ?
They shot tom !
Bob, david, they Shot tom ! Why ?
Jill, tell us exactly What happened.
Tom was just shooting At them, and then They shot tom. Why ?
( Audience laughing )
I'm going out there !
David !
( Audience laughing )
Do, go !
Get off my land !
Get off my property !
Leave me alone !
Liberal Jew-run media !
Hbo--hebrew Box office !
Y'all leave me !
That's the scene here On day 16 of the mr. Show -down.
The facts remain as they Have from the beginning--
Very little Has changed.
We're still waiting for Information from either side.
All we know is That federal agents
Have surrounded This remote cabin.
No word on how many People may be involved,
Or what their Demands might be.
There is a total News blackout.
It's a tense and unchanging Situation. Brinks ?
Harmon, This is brinks.
How much longer Do you think they Can hold out ?
i don't know that. we have no new information. i just can't say.
Can you take A guess ?
At this time, that Would be premature.
Harmon, this is brinks. How 'bout a guesstimate ?
ok, you want me to guess ?
100 million days,
Or maybe 10 more minutes, Somewhere in there.
I just can't say. Don't know.
What do you know, Though, for sure ?
Harmon, this is brinks. Now, i've been asking--
I know, i know, I know. Look...
What do you want ?
Are the federal agents Planning on using force ?
i don't know ! maybe this tree knows !
Tree, excuse me, uh, Can you predict The future for me ?
No ? Can i check back With you every 2 minutes for 16 days ?
Great, thanks !
look, when i say there's no new information,
that means there's no new information.
i'm not trying to hide anything on you, ok ?
You didn't tell me About that party.
this is a national news story.
that was a bris. it wasn't even a party.
Ok, well, i guess That's different Then. Ok, fine.
ok, good. good-bye !
thanks, you know, check back with me again !
Don't wait for it, 'Cause maybe i won't.
Who knows ? Maybe i won't.
good, i'm glad !
Good, I'm glad, too !
good, i'm glad for you !
Well, i'm gladder Than you are.
( Audience laughing )
Man...
Man, that guy Is unbelievable.
Well, there's Your news.
I'm brinks peterson,
And this has been The peterson family newscast.
Trying to get The news to you
Without making a big Production out of it.
We leave you tonight With that footage
Of that Thrilling miracle
From sao paolo brazil, "The spitting madonna."
( Audience laughing )
( Audience applauding )
( Announcer ) you're watching Thrilling miracles,
the show that gives you the latest
scientific and technological breakthroughs.
( Audience applauding )
now here's your host, pat franks.
Hey, how are ya ?
Hey, oh, boy !
Thanks for Comin' out !
Oh, boy, do we have A thrilling miracle
For you tonight.
Ladies, are you Sick and tired
Of constantly cleaning All those pots and pans ?
And what about all The space they take up ?
And what about all The noise they make ?
It's too loud !
Well, tonight we Have a solution !
Now let's meet our Resident homemaker,
Nancy gumphrey !
( Laughing )
Oh !
Hi, pat, i'm really excited About today's new miracle.
Oh, nancy, you're Gonna love it.
Now, let's Say hello
To our excitable new friend From across the ocean,
Ernie !
( Audience applauding )
Oh, my !
( With english accent ) Allo, allo, pat !
Good to meet You, nancy.
Are you ready To hear about
The most exciting Breakthrough
In kitchen technology In this century ?
( Pat ) I know i am !
Great.
It's the pantastic New 8-in-1 super pan !
( Audience applauding )
Well, ernie, nancy,
I had an opportunity to Meet the pan backstage,
And i can't wait for you To show it to nancy.
Now i'll be back in About 10 minutes.
I gotta go Take a crap.
Bye-bye !
Bye, off you go !
( Laughing )
He's gone now, Nancy.
Now it's just You, me and the pan.
( Audience chuckling )
Nancy, come Over here...
Aah, look at all These pans, nancy !
Wow, oh !
Look at this, you've got A saucepan for hubby,
And a fry pan For granny,
And a boiler pot For auntie sue,
And the pans Won't shut up !
Wow, there's So many.
That's right.
That's exactly right, Nancy, you're so smart !
Now, it's time to Throw them all away,
Because look what I've got right here...
Wow, what's this ?
What are You doing ?
The super pan !
( Mocking ) The super pan, The super pan.
I thought i said It was time to throw The old pans away,
I'm not sure. Did i ? Yes, i did.
Maybe she just Doesn't listen.
Throw them away !
Do you want to meet The super pan ?
Listen to this, folks.
The super pan was Developed by astronauts
Who quit the space program To devote their lives
To developing pans !
( Audience laughing )
It bakes, It boils,
It fries, It broasts,
It brakes, It froils,
And it bribles !
( Audience applauding )
And the best part Of it all... The best part of it all...
Nancy, do me A huge favor...
Shh !
Listen.
Quiet as a Church mouse.
It's not telling You what to do.
Pans don't tell You what to do.
Ouch !
Don't worry About that, nancy !
Come along with me !
Look at what We've got here.
I've got a Super pan
That has been heating Up on the stove
For over 9 hours.
Wow.
I'd say that's Pretty hot. Yeah.
But do me a favor.
Put your Hand in it.
( Audience laughing )
It's hot, though.
How do you know If it's hot if you Haven't touched it ?
Seems like It would be !
Do you want to see Her touch the pan ?
Yes, you do !
Come on, do it ! Come on, nancy.
Come on, girl. Come on.
( Screaming ) ( Laughing )
Oh, nancy, the super pan Is not magical.
It will burn you.
( Audience laughing )
You shouldn't Listen to crowds,
And you shouldn't Listen to pans.
Look at what we've Get here, nancy !
Another super pan-- This one's burning With milk !
No one likes burnt Milk, do they ?
I don't think so. Do they ?
Do they ? Do they ? Let's find out !
( Screaming )
* Look at her go, Look at her go *
Shh, shh, that Man's gone now.
That man's gone now, That's ok.
Shh, he's gone. What happened to you ?
I don't know, The super pan--
Ah, duh, duh, duh-- You're not making Any sense !
Oh, my god, nancy.
Oh.
If you could only See what i hear.
Upon the night...
Betwixt earth And flesh...
The grinding of souls Whispers a tale
Of how the Dead do dance.
( Groaning )
Ernie !
Be smart !
How's it goin' ?
Pat, i've been busy Telling nancy
All about the Super-quiet super pan.
Great ! Ahh !
Nancy, wouldn't You say
It makes work in the Kitchen a lot easier ?
( Whimpering )
( Audience laughing )
Nancy, what Happened to you ?
I fell down The stairs.
( Audience laughing )
Ok.
Pat, it's true. She fell down the stairs. She's clumsy.
Ernie...
Ernie, come over here.
What is it, pat ? Over here.
I am here. Right here.
And bring the pan.
Pat...
She didn't believe Me when i said the Pan was super.
She said Pans talk to her--
Shut up, ernie !
Oh, pan, pan, What are we gonna do ?
You were out here. You saw everything.
What do you think We should do With ernie, hmm ?
Pans don't talk--
Shh !
Uh, oh, ok.
( Laughing ) Ernie, the pan Wants a kiss.
( Laughing ) Pans don't Want kisses !
Yes, it does. Kiss the pan.
Kiss it, Kiss the pan !
Pan kisses you ! Kiss the pan !
I don't want to-- Kiss the pan !
Pan kisses you ! Kiss the pan !
I don't want to ! Kiss the pan !
Pan kisses you ! Kiss the pan !
Nancy, come on, We've got to Get away ! Fly !
Kiss it !
( Whimpering )
Come on, nancy, fly ! You can do it !
He will kiss The pan !
( Screaming )
( Thudding )
Ooh ! Oh, nancy, You cannot fly.
Only british people Can fly.
You shouldn't Try to fly,
And you shouldn't Listen to british people.
Come along, kids !
Wow !
( All ) * There's a world above, Come fly with me *
* A magical, fantastical
* Miractical, Spectactical world *
* If only you were british You could see *
* A wonderful-tastic Incredible-astic *
* World inside The clouds *
Yay !
( Gunshot )
( Audience laughing )
Oh, no, A british fella.
Oh, man.
Dougie ?
Hey ! Get off my land ! Get off my land !
It's ok, dougie. You win.
Yeah, he's right. You won.
The united states Government recognizes Your independence.
Huh ?
Dougie, you Wore us out.
It's true, the governor And the president Were contacted,
And they don't care.
If you want to be a country, It's fine with them.
Really ?
Yeah, all you gotta do Is sign here.
Just sign this ? That's it.
That's it ?
That's it. We'll see ya.
Take it Easy, guy.
President. King.
Well, 'bye.
( Agent ) Show's over, ladies ! We're pullin' out.
Get off my land.
( Audience laughing )
( Dougie ) it was hard at first, sayin' good-bye,
not havin' anybody on my land.
but i'd gotten what i wanted-- total freedom.
i even called my new country "newfreeland."
i made my own money, which i used to pay myself
for groceries, which i gathered from the forest.
( Audience laughing )
i set up a legal court of law.
my dog was placed under house arrest.
i decided that my nation needed an anthem,
so i hired a lady from the city
to come up and write one for me.
( Disco music playing )
* get
* off my land
* get
* off my land
* we can find love
* love is on our land
* with the man
* in our hands *
i didn't like it, but it was nice to have a visitor.
it was a quiet, hard life and kind of lonely.
so one day, i packed a bag, closed up my country,
and went off to visit...
america !
america was truly the land of plenty.
everything a fella could ever want...
food stacked high as a tree,
sizzlin' steaks and creamy cakes.
and a friendly robot that counted it up.
( Audience laughing )
i had the best time of my life,
and never wanted to leave.
and then, i made the boldest decision of my life.
All right, Sir, let's get This straight.
Where are you Coming from ?
Newfreeland.
Where is that ?
Montana.
So you're already A u.S. Citizen ?
No, i told you, I'm from newfreeland.
( Sighing )
I'm requesting asylum
In this great country, The united states.
Look, i can't Help you, sir. I don't know--
Please, here, Take this. Here.
What is this ?
It's everything i have. It's everything In the world.
Ok, shut up, shut up, Just move along.
Thank you.
All right, Just go. Next ?
Passport.
Oh, man !
Bein' back in the u.S. Is a bummer, man.
Yeah.
Bein' in amsterdam Was awesome !
Yeah, fuckin' Cheap, legal weed !
What more Do you want ?
I know. Hey, uh...
Where did you Put your stash ?
Oh, man, Check it out.
I put it Inside baggies,
And then put baggies Inside my shampoo.
That way, the dogs Don't smell it.
Foolproof plan, I think.
Wow, nice.
Yeah. What did you do With your stuff ?
Uh, i got it all Under control.
Next ?
Passport ?
Yup.
Where you Comin' from ?
Ah, england.
I mean that's where My flight was.
'Cause i missed My other flight.
But you know, a-a-all over Europe, up and down.
Up and down ?
Yeah, you know, Up and down,
All around, You know.
Upper places, Take a train To lower places,
Like italy, And then...
Also, up, too.
I see you went To amsterdam.
Amsterdam... Oh, you mean holland ?
Right. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, um...
Yeah, i was in italy, And i shampooed Up to holland.
( Audience laughing )
I'm sorry, You--you what ?
Took a train.
You had a Eurail pass ?
Yeah, i had A shampoo...Pass.
( Audience laughing )
Ok, do you have Anything to declare ?
What do you mean ?
Did you purchase Anything overseas ?
Well, yeah, i mean, You know...
Just stuff i needed, You know--
Shampoo... Baggies...
I mean, you know, Baggies for The shampoo...
To put inside The shampoo--
To put the shampoo Inside the baggies, You know,
So i could have It with me
When i was out and about, You know, to travel, and...
But, you know, that, uh... Was there anything else ?
No, that was it, You know, just shampoo.
All right, did you purchase Any fruits or vegetables
Or perishables ?
Just shampoo.
Ah, it's apple-scented. That's why i said that.
'Cause, uh, um... Does that count ?
I was wondering. Is an apple A fruit or a vegetable ?
You know, you bite it, Is that the seed rule ?
But i don't know...
That doesn't count, sir.
Great, shampoo.
What ?
Ah...
I just said "shampoo," Because, uh...
It...Says that on Your nametag there.
No, it doesn't. My name is keith.
It--it--there-- There it is !
Ha, ha ! Caught you lookin' !
( Laughing ) That's a game.
I win !
All right, so is this All your luggage ?
Uh, yeah. No, i mean...
This is all i have.
I don't know. Why ? Should i Have more ?
I mean, you, What's going on here ?
You're askin' me A lot of questions,
You know, i mean, What is this,
Some sort of Shampoo court ?
I mean, i don't know If you're watchin' this,
But everybody's Seein' this guy Shampooin' me here,
You know, i mean, Last time i checked,
It was ok to travel Around europe
And get as much Shampoo as you wanted.
What happened to My shampoo rights ?
It's ok, sir, It's all right.
Don't try to shampoo A shampooer.
It's all right, Sir. You can go.
Shampoo !
( Audience laughing )
Next.
Passport ?
Where you Comin' from ?
I was in italy,
And then i took a balloon Up my ass to spain...
( Audience laughing )
( Audience applauding )
Ahem.
All right, You can go.
Next.
( Announcer ) have you seen this man's ass ?
it's wanted for smuggling over 20 million pounds of narcotics
into america.
if you've seen it, call our crime-stopper hotline.
also, have you seen this man ?
he's wanted by crooks everywhere
for trying to stop crime.
His name is...Me !
Crime !
( Audience clapping )
Hello.
I'm f.F. Woodycooks.
On take back the streets tonight,
We're gonna shake The crime stick !
( Audience laughing )
At 2 cuckoo birds who Thought they could get past
A trained private Security agent.
( Woodycooks ) on the night of may 14, 1994,
2 goofs broke into a storage facility
on the outskirts of chicago.
We gotta take This guy out.
But we gotta Do it quietly.
this residential neighborhood wouldn't take kindly
to a noisy ruckus, or loud horsin' off.
the security guard, an ex-chicago police detective
with over a year of street smarts,
was no lay-down sally.
Ow !
Ah--ow !
Shut him up !
( Shouting )
in a flash, the lion-hearted guard
transformed himself into a human alarm.
( Shouting repeatedly )
Stop it, stop it ! This isn't working !
Do you mind ?
Shh ! Shh !
( Whimpering )
it seemed as though the guard had been subdued,
when one of them made a crucial mistake.
( Cracking )
Ow !
The back of my Hand, ow !
Knock it off !
We will !
No, no...
It's ok, what's The matter ?
He hurt me.
I know he did. He's mean, isn't he ?
It's ok.
the guard knew he needed to conserve his energy,
and had had a large dinner,
and used his natural drowsiness to his advantage.
( Audience chuckling )
Shh !
He's asleep !
Oh, good, good !
the 2 birdbrains were lulled into a false sense of security
by the sleeping guard,
who even then was concocting his masterstroke--
stroke--masterstroke.
( Whimpering )
( Yelling )
Jesus, He's dreaming !
Shut that baby up !
( Crying )
We gotta Wake him up !
Ahh !
( Screaming )
( Sirens wailing )
Oh, jesus !
the jig was up. the guard had won the day.
( Guard ) They were hitting me With their hands.
That one was--
That one said something To me, also.
Crimefighters, Take note.
The dunderheads' Best friends are silence.
By screaming Loudly and often,
And playing The "nap card,"
The guard had torn their Plan into 2 pieces...
Bad and worse.
You said it, Crime stick.
Those two were A couple of ding-a-lings.
( Audience laughing )
Oh, one more thing--
That wily guard and i Shared a name...
Me !
Now, who wants ice cream ?
If you want to learn More about how to take Back the streets,
And how sweet Ice cream is,
Visit any one of My 3 ice-cream Precinct locations.
( Announcer ) f.F. Woodycooks ice-cream precincts
are the official ice-cream suppliers
of the first annual independent nations games.
and now we return to the opening ceremonies.
( Trumpets playing )
And we are back with The opening ceremonies
Of the independent Nations games.
This is exciting.
Sure is.
You know, the fbi's New policy of Conceding to separatists
Has led to the Formation of so many Little countries,
And that's led to these Wonderful games.
They are Wonderful, bob.
These are new Countries, they're Small countries,
Some of them Have only 2 Or 3 people,
But their Competitive spirit Surely looms large.
Indeed it does.
Joining us now Is the ruler Of newfreeland,
And also a Recent emigre to These united states,
Mountain dougie !
Good to have You, mountain.
Good to Have you.
I love this Country.
( Laughing )
So do we.
All right, Back to The athletes.
Representing Freemania, that Is chester hasbro.
He'll be competing In 3 events, Chester hasbro--
The discus, The pole vault,
And the common-law Wife swap--
Always a very Important event.
He's a Good man.
He is a good man, I'm sure he is. And next to him,
We've got gary "Better-be-wary" Vendermeer,
From the new Republic of gary.
See the "g" on The flag ?
Gary's gonna Be competing In the tumbling,
The threatening, And the 400-meter Food hoard.
Hmm.
Now, gary's from The state Of montana.
Oh, they're All from Montana, bob.
Oh, don't tell Them that !
( Both laughing )
( Audience laughing )
Y'all are Pretty funny.
Y'all real funny. Keep makin' jokes.
I tell you what, Let's go to The competition,
'Cause it's already Started, all right ?
With the uneven parallel Bars competition.
Yes, this looks to Be hank dobson,
From the Brand-new country
Of "hank dobson's Mini-mart and country."
That country's Open 24 hours.
Oh, he looks Primed to go.
He looks good.
Now, that country's only Been around for a few days
And already has a rich And storied history.
They sure do, And their tourism Industry is booming.
Look at him Up there !
He looks like this is His 4th or 5th olympics.
It's his first. Watch the beard.
What do you Call that ?
Watch the beard. That is a kubayachi.
And that's a Bounce-a-reeno.
Watch out. Look out for that.
He knows he's Doing well.
Look at him go. He's all alone.
Doesn't need a government To help him do that.
That's right. The problem at These olympics
Is many of the athletes Don't recognize the Judges' authority.
They just don't Believe in it.
That's a real Problem.
They judge Themselves, i guess.
They do, sometimes Too harshly.
Y'all don't know what It's like to be judged.
Y'all have no idea.
You think you do, But you don't.
All right.
Yeah, that's a Good comment and, I'm sure, pertinent.
Look at that pistol, He's probably--
He is winding up For that dismount now.
Here he comes, The big dismount--
Look at him, Look at him !
This is gonna be...
Oh ! Yes !
( Audience applauding )
I have not seen Anything like that.
Whoo, like a swan.
Wow !
Like a pregnant swan.
( Siren wailing )
( Talking on police radio )
( Announcer ) day 4 of the standoff at 3228 cranberry way,
here in little glen estates.
it's now been 4 days
since this old man went inside his home.
he has yet to come out, and nerves are frayed,
as federal agents stand watch.
here now is an earlier conversation
between the chief negotiator and the old man,
along with a picture of a telephone,
so that you're not confused.
( Hanging up phone )
( Audience applauding )
( Dial tone )
( Operator ) please hang up, and try your call again.